we are so aware of emotions and discrepancies in our lives. we are acutely aware. It’s like we breathe, drink, absorb, and then poop such awareness. we can’t shake this general feeling that we will never HAVE everything we think we want, never BE everything we think we should be, and never DO everything we think we want to do. a whole lifetime of disappointment, discontentment, and disenchantment is a lot of dissin’ to deal with.
If you start to take apart all the depression you feel, I mean really list it out and be honest about the root causes, you may begin to notice you have no real control over 99% of it. Control is an illusion. We think we have control over ourselves and we talk about the idea that you are only “responsible” for yourself and your actions/reactions. But I don’t even buy that much. Guess what – it’s in your nature to be a complete jerk and to overreact and to get stupid and to do really lame things. It’s called being human and a sinful one at that. Say what you want about religion and philosophy, I came to the conclusion a long time ago that people really truly suck at every level of suckiness. We are awful at the drop of a hat. Show me a wonderfully amazing and beautiful person, and I will show you the button to push her or him over the edge. We all have at least one – some are just more clearly marked than others.
So what do you do with all that? And no, i’m not trying to make you, my dear readers, MORE depressed. I’m just saying that facts is facts. We accept them and discover ways to embrace them and build on them. People suck – so I don’t rely on them. People will disappoint me – so I try to be a person of my word and a real stand-up kinda girl, knowing full well I WILL let you down eventually. I try to live by the do unto others idea and rise up to the occasion as I can.
But it’s all a step more than the golden rule of living – it’s more than just saying be nice and the world will be all rosy and syrupy. It won’t be. It will still suck. But there will be moments when the things that truly matter will shine all the more. Because it’s only when we grasp darkness that light means anything. And when we taste goodness and grace, we remove the bitter and harsh. And love would mean a whole lot less if there was no concept of hate or apathy. So once again, I stand by my life philosophy of balance in all things.
where is this coming from you may ask? well i’ll tell you.
i had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night about how some people seem to be able to find that one thing that they are absolutely passionate about and can make a living at it as well as continue to be consistently thrilled by it. maybe it borders on obsession and unhealthy at that. but i do think we all know at least one person who is happy as a pig in poop about life and has that one passion that fuels it all.
how do you find that? and are we really “entitled” to that? some would argue yes we are. i hear people say we “deserve” to be happy all the time. i dont believe that as a blanket statement because again, i feel people basically suck. but there are those who are excellent people and i do feel they deserve a measurement of happiness that other people who are incredibly depraved do not deserve.
but at the end of the day, i dont feel any of us deserve much at all. and in that mindsight, i truly am grateful for any happiness i get to experience along the way.
i’m a musician. i make some money at it sometimes. i always have a song going through my head. i can sit and “waste” hours upon hours at a time just sitting at the piano playing and singing to my heart’s content. i find great joy in music. there is nothing else in my life so cathartic and peaceful and thrilling and moving and calming and heartbreaking and even depressing. i have even played a song and ended up weeping. not because i played so badly, mind you, but because the music was so touching and gut-wrenching. there is nothing else like it for me.
i share that as an example because i feel incredibly humbled to have music in this way. i am grateful that i get to have such emotional outpourings over it in a way that a non-musician won’t. and that is not something i’m entitled to, but i get to have it – it’s a GIFT and i intend to savor it until my last breath.
so what is that happiness for you? maybe that’s the question you start with in your search for that one passion you have. maybe you haven’t stumbled across that kind of bliss, and that is the cause of your sadness. i dont even want to think about where i would be without music by now. it has been my savior (little “s”) in many ways, many times over. everyone should have at least one of those.