the emotions of a day are crazy aren’t they? if you plotted it on a graph, it may look something like one of those polygraphs. well a lying one i guess.
i’ve gone from high (a kid at day camp told me he loved me. granted he is 8 years old, but it melted my heart like snow on a frying pan) … to really low (a dear woman at my church passed away quite unexpectedly this morning, leaving a grieving widower and family).
i called my parents to tell them. they are in maine for the week with a church mission trip. and my mom was sad and grieved. you could tell in her voice and just because, well, i’m her daughter, so i could tell. and then she said, “i didn’t know the last time i saw her was the last time i would see her.” and i said, “we never do.” and i had to tell her i love her and get off the phone so i wouldn’t burst into tears at work.
and then to get my mind off things, i started reading about the dark knight and like a little kid, i got excited and started thinking about the last time i read the comic book. and then i started thinking about the fact that all my books are in storage in colorado. and then i got depressed over how dumb i can be with planning ahead and how my life isn’t quite what i expected it to be by now. and then i realized how no one’s life is. and that it could be a lot worse, but all in all i am in a great place. and how i have so much hope for the future – more than really ever before in my entire life. and then that seemed incredibly outrageous to even think and that i am just begging for more devastation and sadness to happen. then i thought that was so bitter and cynical of me and that nothing happens without reason and through the providence of God.
and then there’s an email about kisses and shorts.
and then i wrote this blog and felt peace and fragility all at once.
life is a beautiful mess. and sometimes i am too. well, the mess part more than the beautiful part…