My week has been gross. I have felt completely defeated and incapable. My work environment is stressful and chaotic and sorely lacking in many areas, and it completely devastates me. If it weren’t for the fact that I absolutely love being a part of what we are doing, I would have walked out a hundred times. A day. But I am so committed to helping others through the services we offer, and I see these heartbroken, desperate people walk through our doors, and I cannot get myself to walk away. I am moved by their stories and their sadness. I want so much to be a part of their hope and first steps toward a better life for themselves and their children. I’m not there for the paycheck, ha! I’m not there because I want to feel better about myself for working for The Salvation Army, and pat myself on the back. I want to DO the work – DO the MOST GOOD, as our motto goes. I love the busy-ness and I love the team of people we have.
That said, I am frustrated and saddened by certain decisions that are being made, the evident loss of vision and big picture of what we are about and what we are trying to accomplish. I walk around shaking my head most of the time because I have really lost faith in certain people who are there and seemingly working against us. it is crushing to say the least.
I have been praying every day on my way to and from work. I have about a 30 minute commute one-way and that’s if there are no accidents. I spend the time singing and praying through the tasts of my day. I pray for our staff who are walking around also shaking their heads. I pray that God would give us a clearer vision and a hopeful attitude, to strengthen us to work hard and to give it back to Him. Because we need miracles and we need them, well, yesterday. And I walk in the office every morning with a peace about the whole picture.
And from the moment I sit at my desk to the moment I am back in my car, that peace is whittled away – chiselled – and not by a master craftsman, by a complete HACK! I find myself in pieces as I pray my way back home. Dear GOD it is all I can do to not scream!! But I have hope, honestly I really do. I believe that I am there for a reason and that when it is time, God will give me either a new job and a new direction or a new peace about being where I am… and hopefully soon 🙂
In the meantime, I have some other personal things going on that I feel I just haven’t had time to consider or give their proper space. I feel l am totally screwing up a project I got involved with, probably in one of those time frames when i felt like I could conquer the world (which happens like every full moon or something). And I know there are other things I’m involved in that are sorely lacking my full attention and energies, and it is just not me to give anything less than 100% and it kills me.
But I am fighting the urge to give up. It is too easy and lame. I am not easy or lame. Lol. I want to be strong and… uhhh… difficult… I guess. haha. I want to finish well. I always say that in my head – finish well. That is the mark of a true believer, of a strong person with character. It isn’t how you start, it’s how you finish. Yada yada yada… please pray for me!
And with that, I am logging off for the weekend. I am recharging the rest of the day, hanging out with a friend I haven’t seen in 2 months who has the new Batman DVD and a bottle of wine with my name on it. Two of my favorite things. well, three if you count him.
So with that, God bless and have a lovely weekend!!!