random robin

drown in my own tears

“It’s so hard not to let the sad bunny come in and sit on your head.”

haha. ok that’s not a quote from anywhere. well, it should be… hm, i’ll have to work that into a story now.

Anyway, I found myself really hurting today. My heart felt heavy and I sat at the piano at church and felt an uncharacteristic lack of joy. There has always been one constant source of happiness for me and it is always music. I get to unleash every sorrow and anxiety through it, and take out all my frustration and contempt on the those poor innocent ivory keys.

But not today. I felt a little lost. And it shows through. I made one mistake after another and just sighed it all away.  It was raining and dismal.  My heart was not in it at all.

My pastor spoke of renewing the joy of the season – the anticipation of the celebration of the coming of God Himself.  It’s hard to muster up that kind of joy and excitement these days.  I am fighting off that urge to be overwhelmed with that same ole feeling I always get – a combination of guilt and self-deprecation and fear and worthlessness – that I have screwed up my life beyond all repair and that I will never live up to my “potential” – whatever that is… My heart wrestles with this gnawing fear that no matter what I do now, I will forever be climbing out of the hole I’ve dug for myself for much of my adult life and paying for every mistake I have made.

I almost posted this the other day, but figured it wasn’t appropriate to Thanksgiving. But I realize today, as I do most days, that this is exactly what Thanksgiving is about – this longing we have in our lives, this undoing of our spirits – that has to give in to our hope.  It has to. Or else we are nothing – we have no reason to press on. We have no reason to get out of bed or smile or sing or pour out music through our fingers.  We have nothing to hold onto. And then we have EVERYTHING to hold onto – and that, only THAT is our thanksgiving. 

I have said a hundred thousand times before, we only truly appreciate the beauty when we have seen the darkest ugliness.  We only really know what we have when we have recognized all that we do not have.  When we have been at the bottom looking up, we come to appreciate the view from the top.  Without the balances of life, we will never really know anything or grasp anything or love anything or anyone.  We cannot. It is impossible.  We will have shallow understanding and shallow relationships, like a false positive on a blood test… let’s not talk about blood tests right now.

Anyway, my life is a mess and even in that there is beauty. I am sure it’s somewhere, hidden. Very very deeply. Like balrog deeply. haha. hey, we started out with a sad bunny, now i’m ending with a dark and cruel demon from the mines of Moria. you cant say i’m not diverse, yo.

So how do you snap out of it? well, for one thing, I have to focus, not on myself really, but on helping others. I’m helping a single dad in need through the Adopt-a-Family for Christmas program. I am going to be playing for a kid’s choir Christmas program next week (a really technically difficult song I might add). I plan on surrounding myself with good friends and family who remind me what I’m here for. And I will pray to the God of all creation that He will remember me in my times of trouble.  Which seems to be more often than not.

So this season WILL be good. I have declared it.


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