arts, movies, music, pop culture · random robin

the initial fallout

Once someone has laid out all of what I have laid out over the past week, the responses are just incredible and widely varied. I love it. I love the messages I’ve been getting from dear ones to random strangers alike, some encouraging and warm, some reprimanding and disagreeable, others with questions and written fears of their own roles (or more accurately lack of a role) in my life at the time, and even more relating stories of their own struggles that they have and are currently facing. Please keep them coming. I love hearing from all of you and will always respond as quickly as I can.

What’s most interesting to me will be the in-person interactions. I remember probably the most obvious example of something like this not very long ago. I had a friend I hung out with socially, dabbled in heavier conversations from time to time. At one point I had mentioned something about my friend’s suicide as the general topic had come up and we talked about it for a bit in context. Then not too many days after, we were out with friends and in a casual light conversation she was complaining about something or other and then blurted out something like “If that happened, I would just kill myself!”  We all laughed and then she reactively looked at me in horror, realizing what she had said and apologized. I laughed because I wasn’t even remotely putting the two together, and then when I realized why she felt bad, I said, are you kidding? Dont even think about it.

Believe me, if I hadn’t dealt with all the ramifications of being so intensely personal and “out there” for all to see, there was no way I would have posted it. Or if I did and then regretted it, the whole thing would have been deleted by now.

Instead, I feel really quite free of it all. Like I’ve said before, it’s like unpacking your bags for the last time ever. I have always very strongly espoused writing as cathartic, from writing for yourself in journals, to writing then burning the thing in a ceremonial act of purging which I’ve done several times before.  I could not encourage others more wholeheartedly to get your thoughts and dreams and disappointments and fears on paper. Or in this case on a computer.

We get lost in our own heads like large mazes. But the process of writing it out forces us to actually focus and get to the heart of what we are really thinking. Sometimes things fall out like 52 card pickup, with everything flying willy nilly all around. That’s when I throw out the dictionary and the grammar and the MLA guidebook and just let it flow regardless of whether it makes sense or even contains a subject and verb.

Other times it comes together like carefully laid dominoes meticulously placed to interact and form a design falling to the laws of nature and controlled chaos. When that happens, it can’t help but reach into your soul and drag out all the demons that were cavorting about unnoticed for so long, forcing them to step in line and wait their turn to fall. It’s fun to watch.

like this insane report about Domino Day…
(ps. note to g., whenever you say you were playing dominos i think of you doing these… haha.)

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2 thoughts on “the initial fallout

  1. Whenever I’ve put myself out there, I’ve always got chirping crickets…lol. I must have been talking to the wrong people, cuz they were afraid to say anything.

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