not asses – “as” plural. It’s not an actual word. I just made it up. anyway…
So the past few days I’ve been thinking about my relationships and stuff leading up to Valentine’s day mostly because I thoroughly enjoy torture and am a moderate to heavy sadomasochist. (No need to speculate there)
I had half a mind to actually list out all the people in my life that have had any significance to me in my dating life, but decided against that. Even though I do still have a spreadsheet… which is as recent as… November 28, 2008.
There is really one common theme throughout all my more significant others, a motif if you will, something that would make a really really horrendous novel. That is that I consistently chose to walk down a path I knew ended. Sometimes I actually saw the dead end, other times, I just had that general feeling walking in. There was the constant questioning of “is it really worth this much effort?” and the fact I could list more reasons why I shouldn’t be with him than why I should probably would have deterred someone with a little more commitment to sanity.
You know the saying, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” or whatever. I actually honestly and deeply believe in the idea that we, to some degree, will something to happen. When we really want something to be, it will be – sort of. There is the underlying Truth that it is all in God’s time and in His Sovereignty. But there’s no denying that things happen that are not His ideal and so you have to allow for the fact that as humans we do in some minor way create our own Fate. I know Christians hate the word Fate, but bear with me for a sec.
I kind of like the overall definition of Fate as the one that says it’s an inevitable outcome, not so much the one that makes it a supernatural force. To me, it’s a matter of mathematic principles. If you take certain factors into a given equation, it will lead to a specific answer every time. 2+4=6 as does 3+3 as does 1+5. You could say that 6 is Fate and there are a few ways of getting there.
Given my experiences, my dating history, my family upbringing, my spiritual tendencies etc etc it is my Fate to be where I am right now and the factors of who I am lead inevitably to this place. There was no other way. So as long as I hold onto everything I have been in the past, I will get the same results over and over. Even when we think we are doing something differently, the equation ends up the same because it has us built into it. We will always get 6. We will always be in the same place.
So how do you change the equation? How do you add in different numbers and get a different answer? And where did I put my abacus?
To be continued…