I’m fairly sure I will regret posting this in the morning, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest and will feel better about it.
I have been really struggling lately and trying to get all my ducks in a row has been anything but easy. I feel pulled in so many directions and I’m not one to give up on anything, against all odds as some cases may be, and it’s draining and ever so slightly pathetic. I fight with all my heart and soul. This on many levels, I think, makes me the kind of person people gravitate toward, but also on other levels makes me burn bridges and push people away. Like a tornado that catches everything up in its path only to send it hurtling through the air hundreds of miles away.
There’s a lot going on. Just on the surface there’s a lot – new position at church, moving to a new place (finally reestablishing myself as a real bonafied adult), looking to buy a car (ditto), planning a large event this week, keeping on top of all my “real job” responsibilities. All that alone keeps me up at night and drives me through the day.
Then there are the things below the line – “demons” if you will that plague me, telling me I’m not good enough, throwing all my past failures in my face, making me wonder how I get away with thinking I can do anything and that I’m special at all. Not to mention the recent rejection I experienced (though quite honestly he just didn’t want to be caught in the tornado and I can’t blame him) and this weight I carry around being in love with someone I’m simply not supposed to be with and wondering why we have people like that in our lives. Or maybe I’m just infatuated because I *know* we won’t work out and it’s easier to pine away then to actually make a go of something. It certainly makes for thick poetry and heartfelt renditions of love-gone-wrong covers.
At the end of the day though, quite literally, I find rest. It’s a true rest. I remind myself that I have done the best I can. And when I know I haven’t done the best I can, I remind myself that there is only so much solidly falling into my realm of responsibility and control, and that those are the things I will address tomorrow if there should be one. And everything that happens is for a reason and we learn from it and we take it to heart and we let it make us stronger and faster and stuff.
Some day I will leap tall buildings… and it will rock. hopefully I’ll have my droid to capture the moment.