faith · family

depression into singing

I can’t believe it will be a month since my Aunt Irene passed away. I still at times find it so hard to get my mind around it. I half expect her to walk in the door with my Uncle Tony when he comes to church or when we meet at my folks’ house. I keep thinking she is just at home or something. And of course she is.

Between the friends who thoughtfully ask how everyone is doing and the fact that I just miss her, I think about her a lot. And I remember how I felt at her memorial service, helpless – wanting so much to understand why, and bitter – why we go through this painful life in the first place. Some days it takes all I can muster to just get out of bed and brush my teeth. And forget about flossing.

And with each morning, I face myself again. Whatever the mistakes of the evening before, if I wake, I am meant to have another morning and I know that God directs my steps.  But like any director will tell you – you can wave your arms around as much as you wanna; but they gonna do what they gonna do. And it is in His Mercy and Goodness that He doesn’t put the kabash on the whole thing at any given moment.

And this is where the depression lifts. We still have time. We have life. He has kept us here to learn something else, to do something else, to love someone else, to sing a new song. We are still here. Sometimes this thought is what keeps us in bed. It’s what turns sunshine into clouds. We are sick of being here. We are sick of all failures, our own and everyone else’s. We are grieved with all our pains and sorrows. We are chained to the hateful evils of the world around us. And we just can’t seem to crawl out of it.

But in these times, I remember these things are EXACTLY what we are here for. To experience, to be horrified, to be moved to tears, to be drawn to a Greater Call. We are alive and as long as we are, we must press on. Every day turns into a treasure hunt – what is buried beneath the dirt today? What can I find here? Sometimes it’s a new friend – sometimes an old friend renewed. Sometimes it’s a gain, others a loss. Even in loss we are always given something new to learn, to discover – about ourselves, about someone else. Sometimes the treasures are in the least expected place and sometimes the treasure is staring us right in the face but we keep looking for the forest in the midst of the trees.

It’s often said, we are not guaranteed tomorrow. So when I get one, I rejoice. Let us all rejoice in it.

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