… and i think the regular crowd is in their pjs and sipping hot cocoa… and now i’m home because i gave my precious tickets to G. Love away to random strangers who flipped out and were excited because I was not excited at all and a really strange sorrow washed over me. not to be a total downer…
I’ll probably regret posting this but I’m going to any way and will rethink it tomorrow. My life has been a crazy roller coaster for more reasons than I’ll go into right now, but lately I’ve been feeling this strange sadness, like so much of my life has led me up to exactly where I am and to do exactly what I’m doing – my career, my music, my family, my friends, my church – everything has really fallen into place.
Except that one thing. I don’t have to say it out loud, but I will anyway… just to be clear… I am single.
Honestly 99% of the time I don’t even realize it. And I’m surrounded by people and I have great friends and I feel loved and appreciated by many. But it’s not the same. Of course it’s not because that would be *AWKWARD* haha
so it isn’t until I actually get STOOD UP that I realize *just* how alone i am. that I am standing on a corner and waiting for someone to text, call, email, send flare, and I am inches away from bursting into sobs of pure anguish when two nice looking youngins walk up near me and i randomly just say, hey you want tickets to the G Love show and that’s that.
And it occurs to me that in another life, I would have made a beeline to the nearest bar and done a few shots with the hottest bartender I could find and left him my number though i’d never call him back and gotten whatever self-absorbed redemption you get out of that kind of thing for the night and called it even.
Instead, I get back in the car. I blast really awful 80s music and I think about how I am so far away from where I was once and only a little closer to where I want to be.
And the truth is that you come home and you know that tomorrow is Sunday. and you get to celebrate the greatest Love you have ever known and He will always call you back… well, He’s the One Who called in the first place.
But sometimes that just doesn’t feel like enough. Sometimes you have a pit in your stomach – a pit that tells you that you will always be alone. That you can’t make anything work. That you missed whatever opportunities you had for happiness and that you need to punish yourself and buy a juicer and live on fruits and veggies for ten days. (haha gino)
but then again, you know life doesn’t begin and end on anyone else but YOU. and that at the end of the day you made someone’s life a little better or you made someone smile or you gave good advice or you took good advice. whatever the day held, there was something in it to redeem a bad… well a nonexistent… date. and you can say that tomorrow, maybe i’ll find out what happened, but I’ll be ok with it long before then. And life will go on and I’ll be even closer to fine 🙂