I am very tired, but I can’t sleep. There are way too many things running through my mind right now. So much to do. This day was different than I expected, in good ways and bad ways. November 3rd is always a difficult day for me because I have a sense of pending dread all day since the death of my best friend in high school. It’s something I have never been able to shake, and quite frankly, I don’t try to. I live with it because it reminds me to love others more completely and to tell people they matter. Maybe not always in words, but by being there and encouraging others in whatever they are pursuing.
But some days, like today, I feel like I am falling down a well and just grasping at the walls for anything – trying to focus on just ONE piece to grab onto while the hundreds of others slip through my hands. I try to think through everything I’m supposed to be doing – the things I’m in charge of, the things I should be in charge of and the things that I’d rather not be in charge of. I rummage through my head making lists and sorting ideas and facts and people I know – can’t leave any leaf unturned. It’s my skill set and I have developed it over the years to be an asset – the incredible amount of information I keep in my brain.
But it’s all a diversion from the reality of my day. I miss Matthew. So much of life has gone by and so much has been accomplished and experienced. SO very much. But this day comes around and I am 15 again, trying to make sense of it all, and fighting back the tears of total anguish and fear and sorrow.
But then the bright spots of life come back to me. The amazing news from a supportive church who agree to financially back a project I recommended which will help me in my task of helping our musicians become better worshippers. I got so excited about the future and all the possibilities and what will be a wonderful project that we can say we helped make happen.
I have bright spots in my day from friends who are funny and cheer me up without even knowing that I was down really. (Unless they read my blog, which some do.) I have fantastic friends who are supportive and encouraging to me in so many ways, each of them unique and beautiful. I can’t ask for better support systems than the ones I have, a wonderful family, loving parents.
I meet a few new folks today, someone I’ve wanted to meet for awhile, someone else who has wanted to meet me for awhile. I run into friends I havent seen in far too long – and manage to avoid a confrontation with someone who pretended to not see me. It’s all good.
It’s been a mixed bag. And I can say that I’m glad it’s over and it’s tomorrow as I type this. Because we dont always get a tomorrow, and I want to make the most of it. And I want to tell everyone how much I love them and it won’t be a moment too late. But it will have to wait … and I hope this sleep goes fast.