Relationships suck. At least they really can. Trying to figure out what everyone is thinking and how they are feeling or perceiving how YOU are feeling at any given moment is a three-ring circus. You just don’t even know where to START looking and by the time you look in one direction, the good part is over and the other part is just taking off. Or you start overanalyzing what’s going on in one ring and come to discover that the other ring has just blown the big tent up.
Circus metaphors aside, I get tired of guessing. Sometimes I talk too much out loud and just say all kinds of dumb crap – mostly because I’ve waited SO long to say anything of any substance, or I’ve danced around an issue for so long that in the worst moments when everyone’s emotions are truly at stake, everything seems to come out wrong and whatever I actually mean is lost or completely blown out of proportion. It’s like using a grenade to kill a cockroach.
The thing is I, like most people, have some kind of dialogue going on in their head, trying to figure out all the angles and possibilities. Some of us go for the worst case scenario first, and think the most preposterous things because it helps us to deal, and we like to brace ourselves for the strongest storms.
Other times, you skip along and think everything is fine in the world and then someone smacks you upside the head with “You’re so selfish” or “you were such an idiot” or “I wish I never met you” and they might as well have reached into your ribcage and pulled out your heart while it’s still beating so you can both watch it burst into flames as you are lowered down into a fire pit. (Yea Indiana Jones shout out.)
But when relationships are good, they are really really good and that’s the carrot we hold out in front of us. We hope for those beautiful moments that balance out the moments of fear, rejection, sheer panic, embarassment, insecurity, etc. and we pray to God that the beauty outnumbers the ugly in the long run. And you try your best not to do the hurtful dumb things that others have done to you and love the way you want to be loved, because it’s not only the golden rule, it’s the only rule worth having really.
I’m still working all this out. Obviously. You don’t get to be 38 and single and not have crap to deal with. And more than that, you don’t get to be 38 and single without feeling like the worst possible thing to happen to someone. And you try to tell yourself that you are worth the effort without actually BEING the effort. and that’s a tricky place to be.