dating and singlehood · music · womens issues

“he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break”

That was a pretty good line. Bob Marley was wise in some ways. His life may seem like a contradiction to many straight-laced folk, what with his billion lovers and subsequent offspring (any of whom are welcome to call me if they so choose… particularly Ziggy, but yea whoever… ) Some might argue he was just a loving, giving man and you just can’t deny that.

We know what someone says, though not backed up by their life choices, can still be pretty profound and full of great advice. And this is pretty much one of the best things I’ve read when it comes to being in a relationship.

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.

– Bob Marley, lover, not a fighter

Through a much too recent discussion, (well, one sided critique) with an ex-boyfriend, I was told that one of my biggest problems was not caring enough. I am pretty independent and do what I want. I dont give anyone grief for not doing what I want them to (ummm unless it has to do with work or church music… I’m only talking about when dating) and I certainly don’t go chasing after someone to spend time with me. I’ll ask. You say no or yes. I go about my business. This particular ex said that I was a near perfect girlfriend – go me!

The flip side, though, is that he tended to wonder if I actually loved him at all. Like I seemed SO content whether he was around or not, that he didn’t feel like he made much of a difference in my life at all.

I had to think about that. Not just because of him, but for all the guys I’ve dated. I’ve always been told that women need to be needed. So maybe I forced myself so far in the other direction that I didn’t need anything or anyone and therefore no one needed me. For one thing, I really hate letting people down, and it breaks my heart when I know that I can’t help someone. I also ran away from responsibility for a long time because I felt overwhelmed with the need to SAVE THE WORLD!!

But then I read things like that line, “he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break” and I realize that so much of my dating relationships have been about me treading lightly and not taking things quite so seriously. Like what’s the big deal? We’ll just break up. No harm no foul. And we all know that ain’t necessarily so.

Being open to love, really open, also means being open to a world of pain, like WWF style pain… if it was real. So I don’t jump off the cliff without knowing all my options, because I know halfway down I’m going to change my mind and shout out some expletives and try to have that cartoon moment of running through the air back up the cliff. But that’s not the way love works and sometimes when you do jump in head first, you get messed up and even temporarily paralyzed at times depending on how cold the water is, the level of impact, your angle of entry, etc. etc. (hey I’m just trying to sound smart like I paid attention in physics… Wait, that’s physics, right?)

Point being, it’s risky. Because the higher the risk, the greater the payout. But if you are both going all in, you just can’t lose.

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2 thoughts on ““he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break”

  1. Yes. This. Life is about erasing shame and guilt over who we are and where we’ve been and being able to be vulnerable – being able to really feel, because we can’t choose which feelings we feel – numb one, numb them all.

    Feeling is risky. Being who we are is risky. I’m still learning not to overanalyze every. damn. thing. I am way too hard on myself, most of the time, and I am so used to doing life myself that it is hard to let anyone do anything for me.

    I just chose to love someone unconditionally, someone who has been a close friend for the better part of 10 years. It turns out he didn’t make the same choice, and that his snap reaction to anything I do that angers him is to say the most mean thing he could possibly say at that moment. I have long since given up that lifestyle, and so after this happened in serial fashion, I decided to leave. I chose to love with my whole heart and got stomped. I am happy to say that it wasn’t a deterrent, and I’ll try again someday.

  2. Loving someone unconditionally doesn’t necessarily mean staying with him. This is something I learned the hard way too. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to leave. and sometimes it’s the best for both of you. When it isn’t right, it is NOT RIGHT and knowing that early on is good. Though our hearts often deceive us and we want to believe that love conquers all and it will all work out. but if BOTH people aren’t committed to that and don’t go ALL IN, it WILL fail. I know, I’m preaching to the choir 😉 just believe that your love is too good to waste. like pouring wine into a glass with a cover on it. 😉

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