I can’t remember the name of the book or the main character any more. I thought it was Ramona, but it isn’t. So there was a book was about a teen girl who wrote a journal which was really incriminating, long stories about everyone and everything going on in her life. She wrote some funny things, some hateful things, some general observations, some deep, painful, hurtful reflections on people in her life including her family and her best friend. So obviously someone steals her book and everyone in school reads it. At the time, i was probably in 6 or 7th grade and was horrified by that thought and it has plagued me to this day. Thus… this here blog.
I woke up this morning in a panic. My heart was racing and I wanted to either run around in circles or scream or both. I thought I was going to puke actually. Didn’t, but I sure hate that feeling.
So I had a dream that I had written something in my drafts folder – and for those following along at home, you know I have a dozen or so drafts sitting around at any given time with the idea that some may never see the light of day – and that I had accidentally clicked “Publish all.”
Now, there is no publish all option. but that’s hardly the point. The idea of having EVERYTHING I’ve written in secret thrown out there was horrifying. I thought of one in particular that just isn’t worded quite the way I want it and it isn’t yet conveying the message I want it to and it would personally devastating for the person it was written, mostly, about and that was the first person I thought of. Then I thought about someone else who would have been affected by it and although I am 99.999% sure it wouldn’t have changed anything between us, it still was heart breaking to think about how it all would have come across, especially in light of recent events.
Anyway, the point being that we all have our skeletons in the closet. We all have those things that we are guarding like Fort Knox, trying to ward off any passers by and if someone does come around and you let them peek in, it’s not without fear and trembling that this will be the thing that drives them away. I recently wrote about how I would welcome someone else writing about me and would want to know what someone thought of me and how I changed their life for the better or the worse. But that’s different than me telling the story of all the things that are stowed away in the darkest parts of my soul. The things that might make people question me or accuse me or threaten me.
I love that line “When Satan tempts me to despair / And tells me of the guilt within, / Upward I look and see Him there / Who made an end of all my sin.” And that’s the tension we face as Christians on earth. To know that there is every reason in the book to accuse me justly of any and all things I have done against others and against God and against my own good, and yet still rest in the process of being sanctified, being blameless and holy in His presence because I’m already covered for all time and there is nothing I can do from here til eternity that has not been covered. There’s no loophole or lame clause that some lawyer will find to say, woops,that you’ll have to pay for yourself. In light of that knowledge, we walk humbly forward and try, again, to first do no harm. To treat others as we wish to be treated. To think better of others and less of ourselves. To give up our overworked sense of entitlement and demand all due respect – so foreign to most of us, especially as Americans – and to put the needs of others in front of our own. Not as a doormat per se, but from a place of confidence and carefree assurance that this is the way to live and to love fully and to have the mind of Christ. Who, incidentally, could have written a journal about everyone He knew and He certainly knew how to make enemies and anger the masses. But to those hurting and in darkness, He was the kindest and most forgiving. What would Jesus blog?
Anyway, I did delete all the drafts from my WordPress draft folder. Just in case they decide to come out with a Publish All button. I can’t imagine that would be helpful to anyone. In the meantime, I try to keep my mouth shut and eyes straight ahead and focused on what I’m called to do. And I won’t be writing any (more) exposés any time soon. Unless I really really mean it. 🙂
And this is my FAVORITE version of the song with the lyrics mentioned above.