dating and singlehood · random robin

that moment when…

…you let your significant other read the DRAFT folder of your blog… !!! yikes! Um, can you say “GEEK!”

So at any given moment, I have over 100 some draft posts that I started and haven’t finished. These tend to be ideas that I have but I either get distracted or I can’t think of more to say or I know that I’m not ready for anyone to see it yet. Sometimes, something will happen in my day and I think I have to write about this and then realize I started writing about it already and so I go to the drafts folder and I look for what I already wrote and see if I can work this in. Sometimes this works out really well. Sometimes the blog seems disjointed or it gets me into trouble because I’ll post something that happened months or years ago and people think I’m referring to something that happened with them recently… this happens. maybe it’s a lesson for you to not think EVERYthing is about YOU!

That said, there are things I know will never get published ever unless by accident… which has also happened before to much embarrassment and drama and general discontent. These are things that I feel compelled to get off my chest and sometimes I immediately delete these entries. Sometimes I forget to delete them. And sometimes, I go back in a few weeks, months, years to reread them and consider whether or not I have learned anything or if I feel exactly the same way. Like a blog about being a vegan. Yep, feel the same. Still love leather.

So when it comes to fully and completely being open and trusting another person with everything – and I mean EVERYthing, unedited, without hesitation – well it’s a struggle for sure. As it should be. We say that full disclosure is a virtue in some ways – like you shouldn’t be someone who has something to hide. Like when you have something you don’t want to say out loud, it must be bad or makes you look bad or someone else looks bad or generally “secrets” are tied to shame and embarrassment.

But then I think about how significant a significant other is – how that person isn’t just anyone – that person isn’t some random blogger who was bored and stumbled on your post because WordPress said it was popular and was tagged with a fun word like romance or sex. This person isn’t just a random passer by, some guy with a ticket to the show standing on line with the rest of the commoners – he is headed to a place with a big ole reserved sign behind a red rope in the area that would have a champagne bottle on ice and extra comfy cushions.

And the VIP status thing makes me nervous. It brings the game to a whole new level. There are expectations to be met and a level of service to achieve. And suddenly we’re playing for keeps and the stakes are high.

But then it occurs to me that the stakes have always been high and I’ve been treating so much of life as if they weren’t, as if nothing mattered THAT much and as if everyone is special – which is another way of saying no one is. (From The Incredibles – another great line, “When everybody’s super, no one is.”) So I’ve hidden in plain sight and I’ve shared to seem like I’m not hiding, like you can look in the closet, but don’t look under the bed. And up until now, there was no one I trusted that much, or needed to know me that badly, or felt that bound to. Up until now. And now it’s a whole new ballgame and I only kind of know the rules and regs and the rest I make up as I go. I think about how something so seemingly little like a password takes on this incredible meaning and significance and how much or how little I actually trust someone.

And then I think about the things I have to hide, the past mistakes, the messages and comments that I should have deleted, the stories that I wish never happened or the dreams that never did happen. And I realize to know and be known, fully and without fear, is the only goal. Rejection, abandonment, judgment, disappointment, and hostility may come, does come, will come, but we cannot hide. I cannot hide. I’m tired of hiding. It’s time to be found.

… <whisper>and the password is…

!

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3 thoughts on “that moment when…

  1. It’s wonderful when you reach a place of full and complete trust with your significant other. Personally, there are still some items in the “draft” folder that I prefer to sort out of my own, but I have no problem being open with my partner.

    – K.

  2. funny i thought i was one of the few that would write posts in spurts. I would have tons of drafts in my wp as well.. and only some of them get finished.

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