dating and singlehood

crushed

The first real crush that I can remember was in 3rd grade, my brother’s friend who I won’t name in case for some reason he reads this. He wrote me letters when his family moved away. He would write to my brother and stick a little note in the envelope for me. He called me Bluebird because I once complained about my name being a bird name and one I didn’t particularly like at the time. We were five years apart, and I’m assuming we still are. I would draw my initials and his in hearts on my notebook because that’s what you do when you are in love. regardless of whether or not he really loved me. i mean… third grade.

The last crush I had was worlds apart. He was in a rock and roll band who aimed to make Led Zeppelin look like choir boys. He was hot and talented and insecure and a liar and a drug addict. He qualifies as a crush because he did nothing but break my heart and I still wanted to be with him. I thought I could help him. I wanted so desperately to be the one who made him whole again. And nothing I did was for myself when I was with him. And it wouldn’t be until the very moment he shoved me into a wall that I realized just how little interest he had in being whole and that nothing I could do would ever change anything.

 “Someday someone will walk into your life and you will finally realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

They’re called crushes for a reason, and when you grow up and you find that so few of the things that you thought were important actually are, you soon after discover that what you really want, the ONE THING you need most, has been there all along. Grace. The kind that comes from a supernatural Source far beyond any human being’s capabilities.

And even when you do find a human being who gets you, who honors you, who doesn’t lock you out of his house in the middle of the night because you got drunk, you will also find that no matter how great Mr. Perfect is there will always be crushing moments. He forgot something or he says something he should have forgotten. He doesn’t do something you desperately need him to do, or at least you think you desperately need him to, and you feel like you just fell through the floor through a trap door into a pit of steel spikes and scorpions.

But no matter how devastating this life can be and no matter how impossible the odds are for what we like to refer to as “happiness,” there is a Grace that knows no limits that will travel every distance to find you, win you, and bring you home. It will fight for you and die for you. And nothing that has happened before will matter. It’s covered, the ultimate no fault insurance.

I don’t know what happened to any of my crushes back in the day or the one who might be doing a line of coke as I type. I don’t know for certain if there is redemption in these stories for them somewhere down the road. I do know that none of our experiences are in vain if we learn from them and become better and more understanding and stronger and beautiful because of them. We will not let them crush us because everything that has happened led us here. And here is a great place. And Mr. Perfect-for-me will serve his purposes in my life, helping me grow, pointing me to Grace and finding redemption in all I bring to the table for him as well. And we’ll get out of the pit together, scars and all, and we’ll hand each other our daily portion of Grace, sharing the burdens, carrying each other when one of us has nothing left in the reserves. And we will not let the disappointments and difficulties and failures crush us because we’ll understand all of this life better by and by.

Dear Lord, hear this our humble prayer.

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