I struggle. I have struggled and will continue to struggle. Sometimes the last thing I want to do is wake up in the morning and breathe. Sometimes I have hated life so much and felt so overwhelmed by everything that has happened so far, I found myself on the side of major highway, waiting for a truck to speed down the hill so I could step in front of it. Or I’ve sat in my bathtub with a blade. Or I’ve been in the middle of a crowded bar and wished to God or whoever/whatever is out there that someone would stab me in the heart.
And then there are days when it is all too clear that God is carrying me. I know it through and through. My body feels it, pulsing through my veins, the Spirit of God descended on me, through me, in me, and pouring back out of me. I can see it when I look in the mirror and I smile at myself for the first time in a long time. I can see it when I look at the love of my life and we both can’t help but giggle. I see it when a dear friend has pain across her face, in the grip of fear and doubt, and I offer some of my joy and she gladly takes it.
I picture a huge basket. I put things in it one by one – my future, my job, my pay stubs, my health, my doctor appointments, my fiance, my wedding, my honeymoon, his kids, our future kids, our families, our friends, our churches, our ministries – one by one I put all the eggs in one basket. And I let my Father pick it up and carry it all.
In the middle of the night, I put my longing, my hurt, my fear, my despair, my loneliness, my sexual addictions, my pull toward meaningless sex, drugs, alcohol, anything to numb and distract. I put them one by one in the basket and much like ripping my vital organs out, it is painful and gut wrenching very nearly literally to give up and turn away.
It occurs to me over and over – if we didn’t struggle, would we ever go to Him? And subsequently, would we ever know the beauty and fulfillment of release, of putting our eggs in one basket and seeing Him prove, over and over, how He carries it all? And I am hopeful. I put all my trust in one place. And it’s not in Rob and how awesome he is, though he is quite. And it’s not in me because I’m so strong and resilient and look how far I’ve come. And it’s not in us because we are kinda perfect together. And it’s not in idealism or naive gumption or rational calculations of whether or not we succeed, whatever that may mean. It’s not in love, at least not human love, and its power and sway and its beauty and strength, although it is all those things at its best.
My faith has found a resting place. And in the midst of my darkest nights and bloodiest wars of the soul, my faith must stand in one place alone.
I need no other argument,
I need no other plea;
It is enough that Jesus died,
And that He died for me.
-Eliza E. Hewitt
and sorry for the movie reference… for those that get it. if you don’t get it… um, don’t worry about it 🙂