faith · random robin

I do what I want

I have found myself needing to explain my actions or decisions at many points in the past, whether something I did hurt others or hurt myself or just seemed crazy. I reacted in different ways depending on who it is that asked me to explain myself.

Pride says something like I don’t have to explain myself to you.

Or I make excuses like if only you knew what I’ve been through you’d understand.

Or my personal favorite, why don’t you just trust me and that I know what I’m doing? Oh because of my track record? Yeah, ok my past decisions weren’t so hot, but I am totally different now and I know what I’m doing now and I’ve learned my lesson and I’m not going to make the same mistake I made, um, like, ten times before, and well, yeah, seriously, this is so different. And besides, I don’t have to explain myself to you!

But the truth is that when you claim to love others as yourself and you know how your heart can be deceitful and prideful, you know that at the end of the day, you OWE people an explanation. You MUST have a reason for everything and more often than not, when I have explained where I’m coming from and how I got to where I am and why I’m going to do what I’m going to do now, people will get it. Unless I’m being a stubborn ass in which case they have every right to beat me up for it. In love and seasoned with grace of course.

That said, sometimes when you start explaining, you realize, oh right – this makes no sense at all. Then you come to this crossroads – I go ahead and do whatever I was planning to do any way or I realize that it seems insane and I need to get my head on straight and take some more time to decide.

Then there’s another crossroad, I take more time and make people wait for me, or I ignore everyone and take my chances on completely screwing up. Weighing consequences can be tricky. You have this long list of scenarios, a series of unfortunate events if you will, running amok in your head, making you either completely paralyzed or wanting to chase your own tail until you puke and fall down.

I mean apart from the moral choices – the right and wrong ones that are pretty clear from the bible or from generally accepted practice, like we don’t leave bags of poop on neighbor’s doorsteps and ring the bell, or we don’t take a baseball bat and bash in our ex-boyfriend’s car. Those choices, though sometimes clearer than other times, aren’t the ones I’m talking about.

I mean things like why aren’t you having a cake at your wedding. I don’t know. I don’t get cake. I mean traditionally cake is for rich people to flaunt their richiness. It also was a sign of good luck, which we don’t believe in. Even Wikipedia gives its dubious origins and a list of superstitions about the cake (which by the by comes from a Viking/ Norse word kaka – I’m not kidding).

During the Roman era unsweetened barley bread was used as the wedding food and the groom would break the piece of bread in half over the bride’s head symbolizing “breaking of the bride’s virginal state and the subsequent dominance of the groom over her.”[5]

Um, how do you say no thank you in Old Norse? Apparently it’s Nei Þakka fyrir!

But heavier decisions than the wedding dessert hang about me these days, and I find myself saying over and over to everyone who asks questions, (and yes they all ask) I do not know the future but I know the One who holds it.  Or something like that. If I’m pressed for time I just say none of your beeswax and stick my tongue out.

also, Nei Þakka fyrir!! Wow!


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