time time time, see what’s become of me

It’s a rare bird who wakes up one morning and says, you know, I’m going to totally screw up everyone’s life and make the worst possible choice for me and anyone who loves me and do something really drastic and awful and throw everything I’ve worked for in my life out the window. I mean who does that? Really no one.

No, it happens by degrees. We make smaller choices that seem less drastic, less harmful, less invasive, just… less, and we think that no one will know or tell or be hurt. We put ourselves in situations we think we can handle or cover or not feel the effects of. We get our hands dirty thinking we will just have to wash them a bit longer than last time.

But we know better now. Hindsight all the clearer, we know that nothing happens in a vacuum and the road back to where we think we want to be or think we’re supposed to be takes a few turns or a very long time indeed.

And somehow we think that we should wake up one morning and it’s all been set aright. We think that all should be forgiven, no one should be mad, life should be ok again. But it still happens by degrees. We will find that one morning, we won’t be totally ticked off, just less ticked off than the day before. Or we’ll find we can look someone we love in the eye for moments longer than we could a month ago. Or we can stand in front of the mirror and look at ourselves without weeping. Or at least not for as long.

And then, after awhile, after the road seemed to stretch for so long, after the journey seemed far too tedious and winding, after the sun set and rose again what felt too many times, you finally see your destination – or at least the exit toward your destination – and the scenery changes and the air doesn’t seem as stifling and heavy. And your heart comes back awake after so much time low and barely beating. And you exit and you see where you were meant to go and you don’t want to blink for fear of missing something glorious. And it’s all there, what you expected and yet so much more than what you expected.

And now, you’re just waiting for the light to turn green and resisting the urge to get out of the car and run across the street to get there faster. All in good time. Actually, in perfect time. Believe me.



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