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blurry vision and walking

As some of you are now aware (thanks to my selfie on Facebook) I have been wearing glasses today. Some time in the wee hours of the morning – they were about 4 AM kind of wee because of the Wee One waking me up – I lost my left contact and discovered that I was out of replacements. I tried to manage with one contact for a few hours, but it just about drove me mad. Depth perception is fun.

Suddenly, the world looks different. My glasses are from a thousand years, and, more importantly, prescriptions, ago and are only useful enough to get through my day without walking into every wall and child in my way. My vision is awful. My contact lenses are a -6.00 if that means anything to you. It’s basically legally blind and I could very well pick up the wrong child, the one not crying because I can’t tell from that far off the ground. I’ll remind you at this point that I am 5 feet tall.

It’s amazing how much changes when you can’t see things clearly.

None of us see clearly. NONE of us. We all have our own rose-colored glasses, if you will, our own way of making things appear the way it suits us, for better or worse. I think about times in my past when I was blinded by anger or pride. Maybe I just hated to see what I saw in myself, so I turned the mirror around and tried to do that thing that basically amounts to the childhood retort, “I know you are, but what am I?” Childish. For children. But I do it. In my heart, I think of all the defense mechanisms I can come up with and I only see what I want to see.

Until I don’t. Until I stop using my own eyes and ask God for His. Can I truly see the way He does? Can I let my guard down enough to be honest and raw with myself? Can I ask the tough questions about my own heart and mind, the questions that beg for answers that I am not comfortable with? The answers that make me look bad? The answer that point out all the things I’m trying to hide?

My husband and I have both had to take stock of ourselves a lot over the past 5 years or so. Some of the same reasons, some of the same situations, brought us to our knees. Our own deceitfulness – and it is a huge capacity we each have to deceive ourselves – and our arrogance tried so desperately to hide our brokenness and feelings of worthlessness. But God has been so merciful to us. In His mercy, He allowed us to hit our own rock bottoms, in different ways, at different times. He let us be smacked upside the heads with our own foolishness and self-sufficient attempts to control our lives. Godsmacked. He let us see with His eyes. And we trembled. Trembled. Trembled! How can you do anything else? When you truly see yourself and the guilt? The fear of God is rarely stronger than at that moment.

But then you also get to see the Grace of God. That matchless saving grace. It streams from so far off to right where you are. To catch a glimpse of the saint in white… looks familiar? YES! That’s me! How wonderful! How marvelous! Like a double vision of the now and the not yet. Chief of sinners. Pure and holy. Makes my head spin. Like having the right prescription, I can see, really the only time I can see, with the eyes of Jesus. And it makes me see everything. All the good and all the dark. The sin in my heart first, and the sin that breaks this beautiful world. He also shows us the way out, the way through. It’s a winding road and it is hard at times. Make no mistake. But it is The Way. The only way. I see that now.

Open my eyes, Lord. Pry them when You must. Keep them open to the truth and the beauty of Your glory working throughout the world and in my life. Keep me focused on what You are focused on. Turn my head and heart when I lose sight and get blurry. Help me navigate the walls. Help me to not run over my kids… in any way… and let us all see Jesus all the more clearly.. until, oh glorious day!… when we see Him in full!! Amen.

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