In his book on narcissism, Chuck DeGroat discusses Narcissistic Systems. He tells a story of a pastor who was set up for failure in a system that prided itself on understanding “brokenness” but lacked mercy and rewarded uniformity over genuine repentance and honesty. Instead of meeting his moral failure (which was arguably not at a level which could rightly demand immediate removal from ministry) through a healthy process of church discipline with the goal of restoration and a higher level of honesty and transparency, the church reacted strongly with shame and cruelty.
One of the mistakes I think many abuse advocates make in dealing with the abuse of power and spiritual authority is to call leaders narcissists. It actually is causing some set backs because most people would never believe their leaders are narcissists. It feels like an utterly hyperbolic and unfair label to apply to a person who will honestly seem like a gracious, selfless, giving person. There will be a lot of “that’s not my experience with that person” or “but look at all the good they do.” You’ll be banging your head with a brick to try to make the case that you have been fighting narcissists in your midst. So don’t.
Now, yes, there could be covert narcissism in ministry leaders. Of course there can. Of course there are those who are charming and seem kind. It would be similar to making the mistake of playing with a bear who has just been fed and is sleepy and will let you rub her tummy. But poke the bear when she’s angry or hungry. See what happens. Suddenly playing with the cute cuddly sleepy bear is quite a different situation.
But it is much more likely that -while everyone deals with some degree of self-centered thinking and self-protecting behaviors whether or not they recognize those things as such – what you are truly dealing with is a Narcissistic System (NS).
This system will be made up of individuals, who truly believe they are, and often ARE, serving and doing their best. To accuse these as narcissists will be seen as petty and mean and will work against us in our efforts to point out how abusing spiritual authority is done, even by those who “mean well.”
The system itself will take on an ethos and personality of narcissism even if there are no true narcissists in the group. Please note, it is most likely there IS an actual narcissist personality but, again, taking aim directly at a narcissist is, in short, a fool’s errand.
What you have is a kind of mob mentality. Abuse advocates often get accused of being some angry mob with pitchforks and torches on some crusade, if you will. The narcissistic system will function similarly to the ways they depict those challenging it. It will become irritated, outraged, offended, and exaggerated in their claims. It will come to a conclusion and condemn any attempts to thwart them from their goals.
Once again, while there may or may not be overt/covert narcissism in any one individual in the group, the collective perspective of the group adapts a kind of self-aggrandizing and congratulatory atmosphere that “together we can do no wrong. But everyone else can” and especially those who challenge them.
We call that projection.
Narcissistic System Projection
A narrative emerges (from leaders) that advocates and survivors have foregone conclusions, that we are unable to discern rightly given the evidence available to us, that we talk amongst ourselves and plot against them.
This shows up quite specifically when a narcissistic system is requested to have a third party investigation of any kind. Any third party input is immediately treated with suspicion and disrespect if it disagrees or challenges the system. The NS is quite incapable of accepting outside assessments, or even challenges from within itself from those who don’t believe in the total infallibility of the system itself and are much more likely to ask for help in making sense of the ways in which the NS behaves.
What the attitudes of the NS reveal is that these groups/sessions/boards cannot see the faulty logic, the huge disconnect between them doing the same things they accuse “mobs” of doing and continuing to believe they are (1) without error and (2) above the fray. They functionally believe they have explicit monopolies on the most discernment, the most intellect, the most knowledge and insight, the closest to God’s own heart, and no one can suggest otherwise.
In part, one underlying cause of this disconnect is because of a near total ignorance (willful arguably) of Power Dynamics. Even suggesting to some leaders that they are abusing their Power will send them reeling into indignation and will either lead them to self-deprecation (which is sinful) OR self-righteousness (which is also sinful though I consider which one is worse and can’t decide). Power itself is a word many church goers reject wholesale because the concept of power in a church feels like we’re saying there is rampant sin in our midst… it feels that way, because it is.
This is due to another underlying cause of disconnect which they cannot recognize as a fundamental flaw in their system: Truth-seeking, when it comes to addressing sin and subsequent discipline of leaders, has never been an ultimate goal of the Narcissistic Church. Truth telling, truth digging, truth platforming do not adhere to the mission, at least not the functional mission whatever the stated mission may be.
Narcissistic System Mission
Abuse advocates have realized that truth-seeking has never been the mission of the narcissistic system. The NS labors to instill loyalty and strict adherence above all, reinforcing existing leaders as functionally infallible, even though they may pay lip service to some admittance to generic flaws. Yes, they are broken and sinful people, tempted to fail in some vaguely defined ways, but most of the time, they get it right.
The mission then is to protect the system itself and preserve the appearance of infallibility. This requires targeting and isolating any outliers, any challengers, to their “perfected” state and remove these at all costs. Instead of allowing a process where an outlier can drill down and attempt to discover possible errors in judgment, the narcissistic system must put a stop to any digging process. No one is allowed to ask questions or consider alternative narratives or place any uncertainty on any decision made, nor the rationale behind it. The NS cannot afford to have any one piece of evidence that suggests they failed to make the best decisions or that there was any specific flaw in their process along the way that would cast doubt on their infallibility.
But none of that is committed to truth. Truth is allowed to stay shallow and performative and easy. And most people will accept this version of truth because it means they can move on and go back to their comfort zone.
Narcissistic System Comfort
How does the NS perpetuate such a smoke and mirrors act for so long? Some of us have become exasperated by the overwhelming evidence that has arisen as we dig in and seek truth. It’s been eye opening for certain and our labor to shed light on the areas of the church that have been hidden and protected at all costs feels like it’s been in vain.
Once the light is on, why does it seem to make everyone scream at us, the light bringers? Why do people scatter like cockroaches? Why is it that those caught in the light with their hands in the proverbial cookie jar get to (1) deny they were culpable, (2) excuse everything wrong they did because they only intended to do the right thing, and (3) throw blame and shame on everyone but themselves?
It is a Comfort Zone. Something like a Twilight Zone. The Upside Down. Escher’s world. A “Reversal of Fortune” if you will, where you are not entirely sure who the narrator even is, let alone if that person is reliable. [Reversal of Fortune is a haunting true story/novel/film. The movie deeply affected me back in the day and messed me up for weeks. How do we ever know who is lying?]
Comfort Zones are quite difficult to infiltrate. There are personalities who are much more prone to DIScomfort in that they are wiling to take risks, experienced with questions and discovering answers that are unsettling. Those of us like this are not satisfied with half-truth which are just lies. We are more comfortable with ambiguity than we are with the existence of blatant false witness.
Perhaps the narcissistic system’s most foundational element is the very large group of people who have the personality type that clings to comfort and stability over truth and reform. And perhaps it’s time for us to more directly assess what kind of system our churches and organizations want to be. Perhaps we look at how, in the face of tension and conflict, there are some who will rally the hardest for frenzied resolution as fast as possible and with only one acceptable outcome: dismissing the whistleblowers. Comfort Zone ethos is quite interested in this method.
And when the whistleblowers are gone, they are given the role of the scapegoats who carry all the burdens of sin on their backs. The Comfort Zone perpetuates that narrative. But Truth itself will know this: the bulk of the sin will remain in the system itself.
Narcissistic System Repentance
What will it take to repent of these things? And maybe more to the point, is it even possible?
I’ve wondered about this. If in the very fabric of its being, the NS is incapable of seeing its own failures, how could it ever confess to them? If they can’t even agree to what IS sinful and needing of forgiveness, how could we ever expect them to reform?
We cannot. The only thing that will ever “work” is the Spirit. The work of the Spirit is to convict and only the Holy Spirit can create the true comfort zone of the kingdom where we are capable of recognizing our own failures. We humans simply don’t have it in us to truly dig into our own hearts. In a way, the Spirit of Jesus himself is the third party investigator… and woe to those who dare to quench that.
Meanwhile, some are working hard to do the soul work internally to dig, grow, and level up in our responsibilities for the kingdom. We don’t give in to the shock of the betrayals of the narcissistic systems that plot against us and treat us with an inappropriate amount of charity available to them.
But we know the truth. And even if the system cannot accept it, and are successful at ousting those who do see it, the truth has already been exposed and it does indeed set us free. We get free from the system that, like an MC Escher image, left us on a fool’s errand, and in our freedom, we grow wiser and more innocent.
“Stairways circle back to where you’ve been
We’re living in Escher’s World”
-Chagall Guevara, Escher’s World
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozkQD65ka5g
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the wife & times of Reverend Wootton 